Dear Literal Mom:
My question is based on the post that you wrote in December, about a trip to Target and the folly that ensued during your visit. Your post got me thinking . . . that I too end up very often saying "Now we won't go to the toy aisle" when bad behavior occurs in the store.
Then, I'll switch it to "Okay if you can behave From Now On" after they've already blown it. And I do this in more than just Target, I do this in many areas of their lives (homework, for example).
Is it bad to not follow through immediately and ruthlessly every time? I don't. I feel like I am weak in this regard and fall for the "I know you said it Mom but can we just have One More Chance" argument. A lot. But maybe I'm teaching them that they can change? That there can be redemption? Yeah. Probably just weak.
Signed,
Today, Call me Confused (Julie from By Any Other Name)
Dear Confused Julie:
I believe you've hit one of the main reasons the Literal Mom exists. To find the balance in parenting. Because thinking parents are always looking for a balance between "too hard" and "too soft."
See, we know parenting is hard. Some days it takes every ounce of strength we have. Some days it takes even more than what we have and we have to dig even deeper for the reserve we didn't think was in us.
Certainly, we could make things easier on ourselves and Parent according to a pre-determined set of rules we put together late into the night. Black and white rules that only take into consideration the offense and the punishment, but not each child's personality.
That might look a little like this:
Whining
- 1st offense - reminder to stop
- 2nd offense - removal of privilege
- 3rd offense - spanking
- 4th offense - send to room for rest of night
Sibling Fights
- 1st offense - time outs
- 2nd offense - clean each other's rooms
- 3rd offense - grounded for a week
Backtalk/Disrespect
- 1st offense - harsh rebuke
- 2nd offense - back hand
- 3rd offense - take out the belt
Strong consequences like this, right? We could post the chart in a centralized location in the house, maybe the kitchen, and our children could be intimidated guided by the infractions and their various consequences.
That wouldn't require much thinking and I'll bet the kids would know exactly where they stand with us.
Or we could take a laissez-faire approach to parenting and treat infractions as merely background noise to life, stick our heads in the sand and assume it will go away once they grow up.
I don't find either of these options appealing. To a certain extent, I've done both. I've had my times where I try to enforce "the rules" without taking into consideration "the child." And I've had times when I've stuck my proverbial head in the sand and tried to pretend things aren't happening.
I think the key, in life and in parenting, is to have a balance between the two extremes.
Your kids need to know you're the boss.
They need to know you make the rules.
They need to know that while you may make decisions they don't like, you have their ultimate best interests at heart and that sometimes being their parent is more important than them liking you.
But they also need to see you able to show mercy.
They need to know that sometimes you can make a mistake and make up for it, earning a privilege back. They also need to learn (the hard way) that some mistakes are big enough that the consequence has to stand.
2 examples from my life:
The Target trip I wrote about in December. In this instance, I felt their "offense" wasn't so bad that they shouldn't be able to earn back a trip to the toy aisle. Regardless of going there for philanthropy, they were there for toy gazing. And one of the "offenders" was 4 years old. Age matters, I think. This example is one where I believe it was OK to give them another chance.
A Swimming party. My oldest lost a swimming party trip in January. In church, she was totally over the top with theatrics. Slumping in the pew, acting like she was asleep while giving the sign of peace to her those around her, dramatically shrinking away from her dad when he shifted and touched her.
I leaned in at least 3 times and asked her to get herself under control. She kept responding, "I can't - it's just too hard." I told her that if that was really the case, I would make some hard decisions of my own. Her behavior didn't improve. At all.
So when we got home I told her she'd lost the party that afternoon. It was a pretty painful thing. She begged to earn it back. And I told her in this instance that wasn't possible because we couldn't go back and do a "do over" of church that week. This example is one where I didn't think it was OK to give another chance. And I was probably right - because her behavior has been stellar in church ever since. It was a lesson she needed to learn.
So, Confused Julie. What have we learned here, besides that you and I have similar parenting feelings?
Discipline is important. But so is mercy. Think of yourself as a benevolent dictator - showing mercy when it's warranted. And the more your kids think about their behavior instead of following arbitrary rules they don't understand, the more likely they'll be to be able to think through important decisions later in their lives.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Literal Mom
Have a question for Literal Mom Wednesday? Email me at literalmom@gmail.com.
