We moms often talk about the importance of living in the moment.
Appreciating each minute we have with our children, without looking back at what could have been or looking ahead at what may or may not be.
I try to embrace this. As a matter of fact, I’ve learned that the more I live in the moment, the less angry I find myself at my kids.
If I’m not worrying about what is going to happen, or if I’m not clinging to emotions of things that have already happened, I can be present with my kids right then without all the baggage of past and future.
But let’s call it what it is – a coping mechanism. Moms have a lifetime of years with her kids that are so filled with minutae and details and schedules and activities and emotions (theirs) and issues and school and grades and, and, and . . .
How is there really room for anything else?
One of the ways I cope is by letting something go almost instantaneously after if happens.
Never is this more evident than when I’m visiting my parents.
My parents, who have reached that golden age in their lives where if something good happens, they can embrace it for days, maybe weeks afterward.
Because they’ve gone through 6 lifetimes of raising children, they successfully came out on the other side of it, and they no longer have to live completely in the moment just to survive.
For example, I took my Dad to a movie for his birthday this December. We had a great time. Great.
But the moment it was over, I had to take a business-type call in the car on the way home and when we got back (my kids being watched by my mom), I walked into a screaming tug of war over a Happy Meal toy that resulted in one person winning and one person getting rocketed backward into a bookshelf by losing.
This is what my kids looked like when I got home.
While I was still on the phone.
And my poor mother. Just mortified, trying to explain that it really hadn’t been such a debacle the entire time we were gone.
Good time with my Dad? Immediately became a thing of the past, because I had to jump right back into the moment.
My Dad was able to bask in the good feeling of the movie for the rest of the day. And even after.
That made me happy for him, but sad for me that I could only enjoy the movie during the time we were there. And yes, I can still look back fondly occasionally now and say, “I’m so glad we did that,” but it’s different. It’s a fleeting feeling I have. It doesn’t consume me.
So living in the moment? It’s a must-do when we’re parents.
But I do look forward to the day when I can dwell on good feelings a little longer than the time I’m actually experiencing them.
You?
This is an interesting perspective. I’d never thought about it this way. But I can definitely relate. Pre kids I had big dreams that I would plan over in my head. Now everything is reactive.
I used to spend hours on my dreams too. Such a luxury time is before kids – and we don’t even realize it!
Ugh. Living in the moment has always been rather hard for me. Either I find myself worried about or making plans for the future, or I’m fretting over something I messed up in the past. I’ve been working on this though!!!! Thanks for the reminder
It is super hard sometimes, I agree!
I think I have a good balance of living in the moment and planning for the future. I really don’t live in the past at all. But I know what you mean. There’s nothing worse than a good time being ruined by kids’ behavior. It didn’t happen so much when my kids were little but a lot when my two older ones were teens. That was such a tough time. (Enter Zen Mama!!) But I’m a much better parent with our 15 year old, even when the road is rocky. I’m much better now at getting back to my “good” moments and not dwelling in the “bad” ones because they all shape us for what lies in the future.
Great post Missy!!
And you know, Betsy, that when I’m trying my hardest to channel my inner calm with my kids, I think of you, right? I’ve learned so much from you since we first “met” online!
The tone shifts so much here during the day that sometimes I have to stay a little detached – too detached at times – to dwell on the negative or the positive – does that make any sense? Your post was a great point of view – and one I hadn’t thought about in those terms before – but you have a way with that!
I love how you phrase this – the necessity of detachment. So true! Thanks for YOUR perspective on this, Ilene!
My problem is that I am quick to forget about the good things that happened, but tend to dwell way too long on the bad things. So, in your example, I’d forget completely about the fun movie with my dad, but would fixate on my kids’ behavior for hours – even though, at the end of the day, I know that the ups and downs are what parenting is all about.
I know. It’s so hard sometimes. And I did sit in a funk for awhile after I got back that day, fuming over what I’d walked in to see. But looking at my Dad and how happy he was actually helped me get out of the funk more quickly this time!
That is why grandparents always see the good in our children. They can hold onto those special moments and fun times while we have to keep moving on and parenting from one situation to the next. Thankfully, we do get to finding more and more moments to enjoy while we move through even the bad ones.
Yes, exactly. And a good way to appreciate why grandparents seem to only see the good!
Living in the moment by way of a coping mechanism. Interesting thought. I try to forget my kids’ bad behaviour as soon as I can and hold on to the good.
That’s an awesome way to live, Tinne! Sometimes easier said than done, right?
This is a really interesting perspective Missy. I hadn’t thought of “living in the moment” as a coping mechanism before but it is true. Like you say, it allows you to drop all the baggage and just be. For me right now, that’s incredibly freeing. But like Ilene says too, it’s also a way that let’s me be a little detached and not get too emotional, angry or whatever.
I agree 100% with the idea of detachment helping too!
You know, in some ways bipolar is helpful here. I can’t let go of shit, especially intense shit. Of course, it’s a two way street. If I can’t let go of something good, odds are, something bad is also hanging around fogging up my brain. I relish a movie for weeks. Or if I hated it, I keep coming back to the thing that bugged me. I’m trying to figure out if I enjoy the Mumford and Sons cover of The Boxer. I flipflop back and forth (at the moment, I’m not liking it). I listen to the song repeatedly and try to identify what bugs me about it and why I STILL want to like it even so.
Hmmm. I suppose I do a blend of both. I move forward out of necessity, but I do replay scenarios – both good and not-so good – while doing so. I do feel that having kids in school, instead of togetherness 24/7, helps me to “linger” on the good a bit more.
Thanks for the thought provoking post, Missy. I go back and forth with being in the moment and in my head about past or future events. If I was thinking positively about the past or future, that would be great, but I seem to attach to the negative more easily. I enjoyed your take on this topic and love that you and your dad built this memory together, however long it lasted!