“You can tell a lot about a person by how they treat others.”
My parents told me that growing up. And I’ve tried to live with that statement at least somewhere in my mind for most of my adult life.
I’ve had difficult moments when I’m dealing with a bad customer service employee. Keeping my cool and continuing to treat someone with respect. Regardless of whether they’re treating me disrespectfully.
And I’ve failed too. No question about that. Sadly, there are days when I treat my own kids with less respect than I treat the cashier at the grocery store or the parking lot attendant.
Why IS that?
Why do we sometimes treat those we love with less respect than a total stranger or a mere acquaintance?
I’d like to say it’s one of life’s great mysteries, but I think I have an idea. And the reason lies in what I tell other people about their children.
“Why does my child behave so well in public, then fall apart at home? Why does my child do great in gymnastics class, but then cry all the way home? How can my child have a great day at school, but be a puddle all evening at home?”
And my answer is always, “because you are your child’s safe place. Home is where your child can let all of the anxiety and stress of the day roll off of him and sometimes you bear the brunt of it.”
I learned that from a wise preschool teacher.
It’s one of the less fun parts of parenting, but arguably one of the more important parts.
One of my children recently had a bad day at school. As she told me about it, she exclaimed, “I just wish there was a box I could crawl into when I’m tired of dealing with everyone and no one could reach me in that box! It could be my safe place.”
How wise. Don’t we all want something like that?
I told her, “you do have that box, honey. It’s called home. The place where we all love you and you are safe, no matter what. You’re safe to get out all of these nasty feelings that creep in during the day and we won’t judge you.”
And I believe that. I always have. Home is our safe place.
I guess my question (to be answered another day), is this:
If home is our safe place where we can let our emotions out and be safe from judgment and blame, how do we reconcile that with the sad truth that sometimes we don’t treat those we love the most with the same respect we treat others?
I want our home to be my family’s safe place. But I don’t want our home to have disrespect when its members are recovering from a long, and sometimes very difficult day.
Any thoughts on this? What do you do in your home to encourage respect while allowing home to be everyone’s safe emotional place?
linking up with Shell today
Both things you mention happen in our home. A lot. My boys (whom I’m told behave well in school) come home and melt down. And at bedtime I sometimes snap and order them around, forgetting to be patient and respectful. Like you said, we need to let our kids let their emotions out in their “safe place.” So if my kids are less than respectful at home I can let it slide. With adults, however, I think it’s a different story. I’m constantly reminding myself to treat my family members as I do my freelance clients. Patiently and politely.
I’m constantly reminding myself to treat my family members patiently and politely too. Most of the time I succeed. Some days I do not.
I completely agree. I was always very well-behaved in public, but reserved my worst behavior for home
It’s extremely important for everyone to have that safe place to go back to, and… if it’s not home, then where would it be?
Well, I guess some people’s safe place is in a bar… but whatever…
Hahaha! Sometimes I make a bar MY safe place too!
My girls’ doctor told me that when they were little that we should be happy that their bad moments come out at home and not while out in public and I am but it does get hard going to battle with them all the same.
It does. And this Fall, by the end of the week I’m exhausted and sooooo ready for a break with the weekend!
I have such a hard time with this too. Of course I want home to be our safe place, but sometimes the tone of voice I use with my kids or husband I would NEVER use to anyone else. Why is that? I hate it. (I will be back here to see if the question gets answered.)
I am right there with you- I hope I get some answers too!
I taught at-risk pre-k for 12 years and many children are COMPLETELY different at school than they are at home. School and life in general is overwhelming and exhausting and heartbreaking and difficult and kids do their best to get thru the day. When they arrive home they let it all hang out b/c they know you will love them no matter what. That is what parents are suppose to do. Even though I’ve seen this time and time again I don’t always remember to behave like I should toward the ones I love the most. Thanks for the reminder.
You are so right! Learning to talk through emotions takes maturity…and lots of patience on our part!
Michelle
http://normalchaosforamultitaskmom.blogspot.com/2012/10/out-for-dinner.html
Could it be that we mistreat those that we know love us most because we know they will still love us the most no matter what… home is our safe place and the people in it are our safe people?
Yes, I think that’s a huge part of it.
No answers from me, but I will join you in the question. A great question at that! I have such fierce emotions for my kids and husband that at times they get my most intense love and also, sadly, my most intense anger. I also take for granted that they’ll love me even when I treat them less lovingly than I do my friends. Or the mailman. Thank you for a fabulous post!
I am so very guilty of not giving my own family the best of what I have to offer, attitude-wise. I realize this and do my best, but it’s hard.
The Cherubs do it, too. And I do agree that home should be our safe place. But how to let our guards down without losing our sense of respect and tact in the process? Is still somewhat of a sticking point for us.
I agree completely. I want my home to be a place of love, comfort and peace. I encourage the children to be who they are, who they want to be but I also take every opportunity to teach by example and word. Also coming from a large family where we shared everything I insist on generosity from the kids, there is no one in the world that will ever love them as much as their siblings. Also I don’t stand for disrespect from them towards me or their siblings. There is much expected of them but there is also much given.
Home is where we love you no matter what.
I try my hardest to teach that to my children.
I know I feel it as well. I can let out all my emotions here and not worry that I won’t still be loved and understood… at least by Hubs. I try not to let out all my ugly around the kids. Not quite yet.
Thank you for sharing this post! As you read in my post, I’ve been feeling extremely frustrated by the fact that my son acts differently around me than at school. It does make me feel good to think that I am his safe place, and that’s why he does it. You’re right that we ought to teach our children that home is a safe place where they can let go of all of their frustrations and anger. I hope that I can have a similar conversation that you had with your daughter. That truly is a sweet story. ~Xiomara
When I was younger, my mom would always say that I was so much nicer to my friends and other people than I was to her. I used to deny it until I was blue in the face but it’s so true. And I’m totally guilty of this with my own family now and I hate when I do that. Even though my kids may be acting crazy, when I snap, I know that it’s my issue, not theirs. I try to apologize and explain that Mommy was upset or angry soon afterwards. I feel like we’re hardest on our kids because we love them. Or is that a Tiger Mom excuse of mine?
Are you a Tiger Mom? I read that book a year or so ago and loved it! I think kids are definitely hardest on their parents and siblings than anyone else. I think that’s kind of how it is. But it’s hard to live with sometimes, even if you know the reasoning behind it!
I’m so grateful every time Sam falls apart at home. It’s one more time that he didn’t fall apart in public.
But when I’m the idiot who triggered the meltdown? Boy do I feel like shit.
Amen to both of those sentiments, Jessie!
Oh, I have NO answers here other then – thank goodness I atleast have a safe place in home. Although – vacations DO save our family
They allow us to get away from the home and our frustrations and when we return it’s often like we’ve wiped the “slate clean…
Goodness, do I TOTALLY agree about vacations!